Pilgrimage

Going to Mica felt, in many ways, like a pilgrimage. There was a sense of the revered about the whole experience. I felt like a new person from the moment I was in the bus on my way there. Strangely enough, I'd say that I felt more like myself than I had for months before. I was more open, more at ease than I had imagined I would be. It was unexpected to say the least. When I'd dared to visualize the experience, imagine what the test, the Group Exercise and the (dreaded) intervoew would do to my nerves, I'd never once thought I'd flow through it. But I did.

I cannot say how well I did, I have no clue. I do know that I have given it my best shot.
Nevertheless, it still seems unreal- the whole day. Unreal, in a nice way though.
I just can't get over how chatty and friendly I was with perfect strangers that day. I suppose its been so long since I did that, felt like I wanted to do that in Bangalore- it perhaps felt like an anomaly. Or perhaps some part of me realized then that this wasn't competition, there were no nails ready to draw blood, no sign of fierce rivalry, let alone enimity.

It was a strange sort of realization- pitiful, painful and ironic all at once. I understood then that we were all just a cluster of young people faced with the abyss that dawns beyond college and security. One where plans shatter beyond proof and hopes, where money must be made, decisions taken, where responsibility beckons.

Are we ready? Maybe.
Are we scared? Yes.

Competition? Aren't we just trying to make our way through as best we can? Some armed with light to find a path through the abyss, others stumble behind the dim flickers of others' torches. Onwards we all march.

Mysterious A

The mystery of A remains unsolved...
The little cube of my horroscope predicts that we shall meet this week..."a surprise rendezvous"...
It's saturday and there have been no run-ins to report...
Perhaps I should engineer the rendezvous...

I know where he'll be on Sunday morning...

The Ideal Bin

Hmm....so where do I stand on the whole issue of recommendations?
All set for my interview next week...geared to go, infact!
But now there's this whole karma kathinai right ahead of me.
Someone's offered, offered mind, no one asked, to put in a good word for me with the people interviewing me next week...ab kya?
I'm desperately keen to get in. This is the only thing that's been buzzing around in my little brain for so long (apart from A during the last couple of days).
I've looked around all sides of the problem, prepared myself for the worst, the terrible-est, the most darndest-ly ugly event that could come about to trip me up during my interview.
Lekin ye recommendation ka kya?
So this woman, out of her own goodwill, being the friend of a friend of a cousin heard I was about to get interviewed and just said that she'd say good things about me....should I ask her to? Ke nahi?

My idealist self is so disgusted at me for even considering to ask this woman to talk for me. A part of me can't imagine anything that would make me feel guiltier, dirtier if I did get through and it was because her word counted for more than my precious marks, certis and what not. I couldn't possibly forsake my principles. It just feels so....unclean.

Lekin the other side of me can't help but wonder, so what if she does put in a good word for me? Yes, its cause enough to make me both, guilty and insecure, for a very long time afterwards; but what have I wanted like a crazed woman for the last year? what dream have I cherished with passion bordering on fanaticism for so long? Doesn't fulfilling my dream count for more than the way I get there?

Is the end greater than the means?
Karma ki kathinai.

Uphold the ideals, or bin them?

Lost and Full

Two emotions filtering every thought in my head right now:
1. Sense of disorientation
2. Sense of satiation

1. Ventured once again into the mean, competitive classrooms of the BSchool race. Rats all. Race.
One problem though, the last thing I feel like is a rat. Can't help but wonder how I got here. Trying hard to talk to myself, convince myself- Marketing is what I want to do... but the moment I tell myself that, I feel such a surge of disbelief. It's impossible getting away with lying to oneself. One can pretend, cover things up- but that stage has gone now. The lies aren't working!

2. I can't study anymore...I love studying, cramming myself full of little factoids and big factoids and everything in the middle. But I'm so full. I can't get myself to push a little harder.
Days pass in wonderment, concocting things...empty mind turning into workshop pretty quickly here...Nights pass suffocated by stifling guilt. Full Full Full. Meter is down.

Coming home...

Aah, back home after days out wandering.
Wandering, yes, that's just the right word.

My curtains billow with the first cool breeze of oncoming rains. The earth sends forth its beautiful clear smell in anticipation. The sky dazzles momentarily along the slender finger of lightening.
Inside, my heart hurts thinking about the weight of its loneliness. It's just one of those days. The world's jaws seem wide open to snap at me and everything performs as per sod's laws. It's just one of those days.
And then there's the guy...
So sweet, so annoying, so bloody intelligent...
He makes perfect sense for a second, then the next he draws the blinds over his eyes.
Tell me A, whats up?
Need I hurt, or did I concoct your interest?
Is my hurt logical (is hurt ever logical?) or have I hurt myself once again?

The rains shall come...everything shall be cleansed once again.